A Brief list of Coronavirus Symptoms, as Researched and Presented by the American Astrological Association

The signs and symbols of the Zodiac.
  1. You have a slight cough.  Mostly dry, but possibly also wet.
  2. You have a stuffy nose, and accordingly, difficulty discerning smells.
  3. You can be hard to get to know, sometimes you think only your real friends understand you.
  4. Some may call you obstinate, but you’ll happily change your mind when presented with compelling evidence.
  5. Sometimes you need to remember to be thoughtful with your words.
  6. Sometimes you love to bask in the spotlight, or have your hard work recognized..  
  7. People call you a social butterfly and you get pleasure from being out with other people.  But at other times, you just like to curl up with a good book!
  8. You are an introvert.
  9. You are a fiery personality, always chasing adventures.
  10. (At home.)
  11. Sometimes, you think you may worry too much about your finances.
  12. You are a natural leader, except when in the presence of another, more compelling natural leader.

Stay safe! Stay indoors!

The Copycat (Part 2 of 2)

A blank billboard in a train station.

[Note: This is part 2 of 2. Start with part 1.]

“Your Flavor,” Lima’s newest campaign, was an overnight hit.  Sales, reported Christy, were up to unprecedented levels for late April.   

Summer came.  That June, Damian and Karen were stars at Cannes, fielding interviews with Creativity magazine (title: “So What is a Demiwillow, Anyway?”) and were quoted in the Comment section of The New Yorker.   They were on the cover of Advertising Age.  The pair stood with their arms crossed, back-to-back in a defiant pose, like buddies in a prison-yard fight, above the superimposed title “The Comeback Kids.” At that point, Praxis had to capitulate and name them both Executive Creative Directors.  Ana was given a nominal raise and the title of Management Supervisor.  

Everyone wanted to know what was next.

Ana spent more weekends with the family.  In July, her mother rebelled against the taking of her car keys by wandering to a Jaguar dealership in her pajamas.  Ana picked her up.  

“I don’t see the problem,” said her mother.  “I have a million dollars.  I can buy you and Luis both a Jaguar of your own.  Maybe then he will come and visit.”

Her elder brother, Luis, had worked for the World Health Organization and had died in a plane crash in Liberia in 2006.  He would not be coming to visit.

“Luis has a car of his own, Mom.”  

There was a pause.  It wasn’t always clear what her mother knew.

“You don’t believe me,” she said.  “I’m going back.  They’ll sell me the damn car.”

She opened the door of the Volvo and stepped out.  The seatbelt she had forgotten to unclasp prevented her from falling from the moving car.  The car door wobbled in the night air.  Ana shouted and pulled over on the shoulder.

“Mom! Couldn’t you see the car was moving?”

“I knew the car was moving.”

“So, help me out,” said Ana.  She turned on the hazard lights and walked around to the passenger side, firmly closing the door.  Inside, her mother scowled out the window.  Ana walked back around and activated the child lock control, but it only locked the rear seats.  Her mother was going to have to ride in the back from now on, she realized, but it was more than that.  She would need to be fully supervised.  This meant live-in support. She might be able to afford that, if they got the agency bonus this year.  Might.

She leaned her head against the roof of the car and quietly wept.


At Praxis, Christy had Ana and the Demiwillow in her office.  She poured them all a bourbon.  Damian was pacing, looking out the window, over the city.   Karen sat, knees tucked on the couch, playing with her hair.  Ana sat on the opposite side of Christy’s desk.  She appreciated the bourbon, and took it as a sign that she was finally at the grown-ups’ table.

“We’ve done well for them,” said Christy.  “But we need something new.”

“Sure, we saw the latest brief,” said Damian.  “No biggie.”

“I think we’re going to need to swing a little harder this time,” said Christy.  “I want you guys to head back to Boston.  Speak with, you know, the oracle up there.”

Ana felt a flash of discomfort.

“Come on, Christy,” said Damian.  “This is what we do, here.  We don’t need to talk to–” he caught himself, walked to shut her office door.  When it was closed, he turned and continued at a whisper– “a fucking cat to get ideas.  We’re creatives, remember?”

“We did go to college for this,” said Karen.  “Why not just do new executions of Your Flavor?”

“Lima loves us,” said Damian.  “Hell, the whole industry loves us.

“We have sales targets.  If we have any shot of getting our bonus, we have to close the year with a year-over-year sales increase of 10%.  Ordinarily that would be feasible, even likely, with home-grown creative, but we are digging ourselves out of a massive hole here, guys.  And you know who buys Lima soda in the winter? Nobody.”

“Well then, we’ll just have to come up with something really good,” said Damian, grinning.

“Our scorecard, which includes bonuses, is tied to performance, not publicity.  People need to be buying soda.  Another TV ad can get us there, but smart money says it won’t, so it has to be more than just good.  It has to be magic.

“So: we have a large deficit right now and what we need is a grand slam, but I’m hearing my ECD say he wants to risk canceling Christmas for 65 people.  Have I got that right?”  She lowered her volume.  “You’ve got a guarantee waiting for you out there.  Why don’t you just go get it?”

Damian threw up his hands.  

“Christy,” Karen said quietly.  “Let us do what we do.”  

“We can’t risk it.”  Her eyes scanned back to Ana.  “Would you all just handle this please?”

“I don’t need that fucking cat!”  Shouted Damian.

“I know you could do it if it were five, seven percent. But this, Damian? This is the stuff of legend.  ‘Write your own ticket’ stuff.  So you’re going to go up there, you’re gonna listen to the stupid thing and you’re gonna fetch our bonuses.  Please.”


“No, Damian.  This gravy train’s next stop is in Boston.  Please, let us all know if you want to get off.”

As Ana was walking her bike out, she saw the light in Christy’s office was still on.  Karen entered, closing the door gingerly behind her.  As Ana shuffled her bike loose from the pile, she realized it was still entangled with another bike.  It was Damian’s bike. He was also there, trying to fetch his bike loose.  But he wasn’t looking at the bikes.  He was looking at Christy’s office door.

“Better be careful,” he said to Ana. “The rats are leaving the ship.”

She went home and packed for Boston.

Day three at F2.  Ana had slept terribly, with fitful, anxiety-ridden dreams: the election, the next campaign, wars that were happening, or about to happen. She dreamt that she was a child, and her mother had come to pick her up at elementary school, but on the drive home realized they were driving on and on, but getting nowhere, the same hills and forests passing in the dark.  She knew the dementia was the reason, that her mother had forgotten the way home, and searched for a delicate way to suggest the proper directions, though she was a child and didn’t know. In the backseat, a man she didn’t recognize and a young girl– Damian’s daughter, she thought, sat in the backseat.  The Copycat was draped across the girl’s lap.  Ana knew, the way one did in dreams, that they didn’t know the way either.  Her mother turned to look down at her from the driver’s seat.  “Don’t worry,” she said, and Ana realized that she had no eyes in her sockets. The darkness of the night sky and stars turned in her skull.  “I know the way.  But first, we have to pick up your brother.”  

She spent the rest of the night writing email.

Hours passed unsuccessfully in the booth.  By now they were openly napping during each other’s operating sessions.  No one looked rested.  Karen went to visit the vending machine, and when she returned she crinkled her nose.  

“Ew,” she said.  “This room smells like us.”

During Damian’s second shift, he began to talk to the cat about the Your Flavor campaign, and the cat listened, interested.  Karen leaned in to watch, crunching her Fritos.  She put a hand on Damian’s shoulder.  At the moment of contact, the cat spoke.

“Traitor,” uttered the cat.   Karen recoiled.  The cat leaped up to the landing of its cat hotel, then to the top platform.  At the heights it called back, “Snitch.”

“What the fuck, Damian?” Said Karen.

Damian powered through.  “Oh, like you weren’t reporting back to Christy on all this?”

Karen flushed.  “Unlike you, I’m not ready to throw all this away.  We’ve got people relying on us.  You’re not the only one on the hook.  Everyone is looking at us and asking, what next?  Well, Damian?  What next?”

“What happened to you, Karen?  You get one award and all that shit that they taught us at art school is out the window?  Don’t you see what’s happening here?” He gestured at the cat on the other side of the window.   “Animal slave labor? They’re automating us!  We’re creatives for christ’s sake!  We’re not supposed to get automated. You know who gets automated?”

“Poors,” offered the cat.

Damian waved away the window.  “Thank you.  No, what I was going to say was,” he said, slowing himself to a stop. He sighed.  “The point is, we can’t keep writing ourselves out like this.  We’re degrading the profession.”

“Damian, I need this job.  I’ve got a… goddamn mortgage,” said Karen.

“Pregnant,” said the cat, insistently.
Karen looked over at it and closed her eyes as if manifesting all of her patience.

“Well,” said Damian.  “Congratulations.”

Karen shook her head.  She looked like she were about to cry.  “Please don’t congratulate me,” she said in a very small voice.

Ana realized that the crucial function of her job had arrived.  She needed to Hold the Family Together.  This was a big one, a schism beyond the healing power of bagel breakfasts.  They were under a ton of pressure, insecure, scared.  It was 4:23PM.  She made the call.

“Guys, let’s go for another seven minutes.  Then we can get out of this stinky room, and I’ll buy you both dinner and drinks and we can talk about this–” she nudged her chin at the observation camera in the corner– “off the record.”

They found a brewery by the water’s edge, and started in hard.  It was too cool to sit outside, so they sat by a window overlooking the water, a series of pleasure boats bobbing below.  Ana hadn’t been thrilled about the rounds of shots, but a good lead knew when to hold the reins lightly, she thought.

Damian drank like a thirsty athlete.  His s’s were just starting to grow overlong, and his volume seemed uncontained, but he wasn’t sloppy yet.  Karen tittered.  Ana found them to still be manageable, but it was getting choppy.

“Does no one else find this weird?  Pulling ideas out of the ether like that?  Who wants to go rooting in all that shit?  And like doctor Bunsen Honeydew over there said, it’s bi-directional.  I can feel all this… crap rolling around in there.  The world, banging to get in.”  He glanced around for affirmation.  His eyes were baggy, his skin pale and unshaven.  Ana had to admit, he looked like he was slipping.  They all did.  “Are you telling me I’m the only one?”

“No,” said Karen.  “I feel it too.”

“That’s why they make us take the breaks.  It’s not just to rest the cat.  It’s to rest us.  Keep us from absorbing too much.  Don’t you think?”

“It’s messed with my sleeping,” said Karen.  “I feel like I’m remembering things that didn’t even happen to me.”

“Exactly!  Weird shit.”

“I don’t see what difference it makes,” said Ana.  “We just need to get something to take home.  Then we’re done. We’re not moving in here.”

“It spoke to me,” said Karen.

Ana and Damian both looked at her.

“You both were asleep.  It talked to me.”

“What did it say?”

“It forgave me.”

“For what?”

“I’d rather not say.  But it did, and I believe it.”

“See?” Said Damian.  “This is the kind of crazy shit I’m talking about.  It keeps telling me it loves me, wants to be with me, sounding like my damn kid.  And, while part of me likes it, the rest is, well, creeped out.  Plus, I think it’s trying to tell us something.”

“Sure, it’s trying to tell us what it thinks we want to hear,” said Ana.  “I mean, isn’t that what it does?”  

For the first time, Damian became aware of his volume.  “You know what I think?”  He looked around the bar, savoring the attention, and when he was convinced that they did not in fact know what he thought, took a final drink of his beer before re-establishing eye contact.  “I think it wants us to break it out of there,” he said, his lips wet.

Ana took a matching sip of her Chardonnay, self-consciously mirroring him.  She didn’t want to lose him, or worse, have them ice her out, not now.  

“What makes you say that?”

“Because that’s what it said,” he hissed.  “Karen, tell me you know what I’m talking about.”

Karen nodded, her eyes were wide, scanning between them.  “It told me a lot of things.  ‘Set me free.’  I’ve definitely seen enough to think that it’s real, a thinking thing,” she said, nodding gravely.

“Did you ever notice it’s mouth doesn’t match what it’s saying?” Said Damian.

“I asked Sherman about that,” said Karen.  “He said we usually hear it in someone else’s voice.  Have you noticed?  Who do you hear?”

“My daughter,” said Damian.

“My mother,” added Ana.

“Uh huh,” said Karen.  “That means the cat’s got them.  He’s connected, and we gave him the map.  Just like in the video.  From person to person, consciousness to consciousness.  Meanwhile, the cat suffers in a cage.  What does he think about in there, I wonder, with our thoughts?”

“Come on, Karen,” said Ana.  “It’s the world’s most lavishly cared for zoo animal.  It’s hardly suffering.”

“You think it’s suffering now?” pushed Damian.

“I don’t think that room is the best place for it,” said Karen.  “It should go outside.”

Ana felt something fester in the beer-stained wood between them.  A bad idea.  She didn’t know how to stop it.

“We can get it out,” said Damian.

“Damian,” Ana said.  “We’ll go to jail.  Just after we lose our jobs.  I need this job, and so do you.  So does Karen.”

“It can talk,” continued Karen. “If it’s being held against its will, you can just ask it.”

“So can a parrot,” said Ana.  “You’re projecting, and it’s picking that up. If you ask it, whatever it tells you is fifty-fifty.  Or it tells you an ad, or a recipe, or something irrelevant.”

Damian ignored her, responding to Ana’s previous point.  “No, we won’t go to jail.  We’re whistleblowers.”

This was indeed going left, thought Ana, but she didn’t quite know what to do.  Then it occurred to her– best to just get this on record.  “I’ll send Christy a text,” she thought.  

She excused herself to go to the bathroom.  She was lightheaded.  The bar music was too loud.  They were playing one of those Irish rock bands, the Pogues or the Dropkick Murphys.  Boston needs to try a little harder sometimes, she thought.

In the stall she quickly texted “Damian is wasted and becoming a little belligerent.  Has a real anxiety about F2 situation.  What should I do?”

Ana could see Christy was revising several versions of the message.  Finally:  “Get him back to hotel. He’s on antideps, shouldt drink. CONFIDENTIAL.”

“Shit,” she thought.  Another text came back.



“In the program,several weeks sober. CONFIDENTIAL x2.”

Karen Willow was waiting for her back at the table.  Damian was gone.

“Where did he go?”

Karen grimaced.  “I’m… not sure.”

“Karen,” said Ana, “Where is Damian.”

“He lost custody, Ana.  He’s been really on edge, and with that thing talking to him in his daughter’s voice–”

“Are you saying he went to F2?”

“No, I don’t know–”

They left.

Returning to F2, they found him at the third floor cafe bar, which closed late.  He and another man were chatting at the bar.   Ana recognized the other man, but couldn’t place him for the first few beats, until she realized she’d seen him in black and white on the back of his books.  He was a popular novelist of some kind.  He also had bags under his eyes, and was skinnier than she remembered.

Damian introduced Ana to the novelist.  Karen had met him on a previous day, and she excused herself to go downstairs and make a call.

“Talk amongst yourselves,” said Damian.  “I’m gonna find the bathroom.”

“We worked on a shoot together,” said the novelist.  “A lifetime ago.  Can you believe it?”

“Is that what you’re here for?  Are you getting time with the Copycat?”

The novelist looked confused. “No, I’m using the Script Panda,” he said, dropping his voice. “Just for revisions,” he added hastily.

“Well, I guess we’re all on NDA together, then.”

“We are.  This must be what a lounge in a plastic surgery clinic is like.”

“Or Celebrity Rehab.”

“Not to put too fine a point on it,” he said, looking away.

They chatted easily a few more minutes, the way you can when your biggest secrets are already on the table.  Each held up their end while they waited for Damian to return.  Perhaps it was a sense of boldness, or anxiety, when Ana asked, a few minutes in, “So, do you, you know, come here often?”

He smiled kindly.  “You’re asking me if my they are really my ideas, of something pulled from the fog at F2?”

“No, I–”

“It’s all right.  It’s all right.  This is my third time here. My first three bestsellers, they were all, you know, organic.  Then you start to slide.  In the beginning, you can convince yourself, you know?  That it’s all you.  And it’s great.  I mean, it’s easy to believe, while you’re winning.”

He stopped talking, but when she said nothing, he went on.

“Eventually you aren’t selling the way you need to.  And you have… people.  People that have to be paid.  Sometimes you just need the win,” he said.  “Sometimes you just need to pay the bills.”

“I know what you mean,” she said. “But I confess, part of me is wondering if the book of yours that I own was written, you know, here.”

“Hmm. Which one was it?”

“I forget the name.  With the clairvoyant detective? And killer?”

“That was all me.”

“Oh. It was good.”

“Thanks,” said the novelist.  “Hey, let me give you some advice.  Hitting it big. All this… magic.  It all goes away, fast.  We all get just a few at-bats in this.  When your chance comes, if you have a way to win it, win it.  You might not get another chance.”

“You’re telling me to use F2 as long as I can?”

He laughed.  “The opposite!  You’re still young, you have ideas.  You still have time to end up here, but you don’t need to start here. You have the rest of your life to capitulate.  When you find your idea, protect it.  You have to own it.”

“Karen and Damian think they’re going to be automated.”

“Maybe,” he said. “I kind of wished I had learned HTML.”

“I would have thought those clairvoyant detectives paid you well enough.”

He shrugged. “You never know when it’s going to end. What do I do then?”

Karen came back.  “Where’s Damian?”

“In the bathroom,” said Ana.

“He may have started in the bathroom,” said the novelist.  “But I’m not sure he’s going to stay there.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your friend is relapsing.  I gave him something for the pain.  He was concerned he wouldn’t be able to stay awake long enough to finish whatever it is you guys are working on.”

“You gave him drugs?” said Ana, sounding naive, even to herself.

“Just few bumps. to stave off something worse. Hey. He’s an addict, and he’s in pain.”

“We need to get him,” said Karen.  “See if we can get him back to the hotel.  Security will know where he is, or if he left.”

“Good luck,” called the novelist. “And one more thing.”

“What’s that?”

“If you want money, write something they can make toys out of. Toys are good.”

“Thanks,” she said.

“That’s what I should have done,” he said.

“OK,” she said.

At reception, Ana asked for Sherman, though she expected he’d have gone home.  “He’s in Elections,” said the guard, directing her down another hall.

The door to a control room was open.  Sherman’s voice.  “Our efforts should at this point be concentrated in Michigan, Ohio and Wisconsin.  With the proper messaging, especially over the coming weekend, we can depress a substantial amount of opposition turnout.  A lot depends on the timing of your buys–”

She knocked on the door, peeking around the corner.  Inside, Sherman was speaking with two sloppy-looking men in expensive suits.  A vast tank behind them showed a live prairie dog habitat with a cross-section of their subterranean network.  A series of digitized graphs ran along the circumference of the tank. Sherman smiled politely and excused himself to step outside, closing the door behind him. The door read “Group Decision Strategies.”

“Hey.  I’m surprised to see you here this late.  Everything OK?”

She told him that Damian was concerned that the animals were asking to be set free, leaning heavily on the fact that Damian may have been having a paranoid reaction to his medication and was undergoing very trying personal problems.  

Sherman’s lips tightened.  “No, that’s not it,” he said.

“No?” She wondered if he knew about the drugs, somehow.

“Sympathetic overload,” he said.  “It’s what can happen if you operate too long.  It’s why we have those time limits,” he said. “Walk with me.”

Ana and Karen followed at a jog.  “But we followed the time limits,” said Ana.

“I’ve been working on a theory that certain states– including those caused by certain types of medication and drugs–  can lower your psychic defenses,” said Sherman.  “I haven’t been able to prove it, though.  Testing it was difficult.”

“Is Damian at any kind of health risk?”

Sherman didn’t say anything, but continued briskly.

When they arrived at the Copycat’s chamber, Damian was waiting, operating the booth.  A fire extinguisher port dangled open, the tank removed and set on the floor at his right hand.  He stood from the chair to face the three of them, and leaned over to speak into the microphone.  He had a smug expression on his face.

“Mr. Sherman,” he said.  It’s come to my attention that this animal is sentient and capable of speech.  I think what we have here is not a marketing technology, but a slave.”

“Please don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Harris.  I have to remind you that you are under signed contract–”

Damian put up his shushing fingers.

“Copycat,” he said.  “Do you want to come out?”

It hopped down from upper platform to lower.  At ground level it breathed “Set me free,” crisply, impatiently.

“You can’t take that seriously,” said Sherman.  “It’s just making sentences.”

“I don’t think you take it seriously enough,” said Damian.  He tapped the glass with the tank.  The noise was the sharp tic of plate glass, not the reverberation of plexiglass.  

“Don’t do that!” shouted Sherman, hands out like a hostage negotiator.  Ana realized the only reason he hadn’t yet called security was the delicate nature of the moment.  

“You are lying,” Damian said.  “Just like you lied to everyone about me.  You can’t have her with you all the time. I get some time, too, you know.”

“Him,” said Karen Willow.  “The Copycat is a him.”

“Right,” said Damian, looking momentarily thrown. “That’s what I meant. Thanks Karen.”

“Sure,” she said.

“You know I’m sorry about what I said before, right?”

“I know, Damian. Can we go back to the hotel and discuss it?”

“Yeah, sure, right after this.  I’m just worried if I don’t, deal with this, you know, now, we’ll all be stuck with a bad deal.  These things can ruin you.  And they can’t have sole cust– anyway, they can’t keep it here.”

Karen looked trapped.

“Look, Damian,” said Sherman.  You’re suffering from a side-effect.  It’s jamming you with too many, well, feelings.  Now, I know you’ve got a lot going on.  Personally, and at the agency.  Let’s agree on this: this work has become unsafe for you. The cat, the Copycat, is bred for that room.  It likes that room.  It does not want to come out. It’s just saying what it thinks you want to hear.  What your brain has been quietly saying, all along.”

“Did you ever ask it?  Don’t lie.  It hates lies, I’ve noticed.”

Sherman didn’t say anything.

“Ana,” said Damian.  “It spoke to you.  You wanted to tell us before, but you didn’t.  What did it say?”

Ana didn’t know why she felt the compulsion to answer honestly, but felt like if she didn’t, the thought would ricochet in her brain and become harder to control.  

“It said, ‘set me free.’”

“Welp,” said Damian, “not a lot of wiggle room, there.”  He hammered the plate glass with a blow from the fire extinguisher.  

The glass detonated. Huge shards fell and shattered on the floor, resounding like miniature church bells. The control room flushed with warm, feline-scented air from the habitat.  A security alarm bleated and the red emergency light above the control room door began to blink in cadence.

The cat peered over the edge into the control room, and it started to pace, its fiery mohawk patrolling just below the windowpane.  It leaped into the control chair, and allowed itself to be pet by Damian, who scooped it into his arms with a grunt.  It seemed a little smaller in person, but it was still enormous for a cat, and Damian could barely manage it.

“Oh God, don’t touch it.” Sherman looked stricken, but was suddenly reminded of something.  “Look, security is on their way,” he said, backing out of the control room. “I have to see my other clients out of the facility.  They must think something terrible has happened.” He was gone, leaving them alone with the Copycat.  

Karen Willow looked at Ana, making an inclusive gesture at the glass, the alarms, the cat in Damian’s arms.  

“Hasn’t it, though?”

The cat was purring loudly.  “A refreshment that invigorates,” it barked.  “For a generation forged by change!”

“Yes!”  Said Damian.  He took a theatrical moment to glare hard at them as if to say, “See?” Then slung it over his shoulders, fireman style, and ran out.  Someone in the hallway could be heard shouting ‘stop,’ but Damian course-corrected, turning to run the other way.  Seeing this, Karen Willow pulled the fire alarm, knowing, as Ana did, that it unlocked the fire doors.

Ana put her head in her hands.

“What,” said Karen.  “He’s a nut, but I don’t want him to get shot.”

Over the next hour, Damian made it as far as the channel.  The police had arrived.  After brief a chase, he was finally cornered on a small causeway that led to a brewery by the channel.  No one was shooting, not least because he was unarmed and slow, but because Sherman, who had arrived on-scene by taxi, was heard saying to officers that Damian Harris was “carrying a million-dollar piece of equipment.”    

“It looks like some kind of space bobcat,” said the policeman with the megaphone, whose Boston accent modified it to ‘boabcaat’.  

“It’s been babbling on about soda, right up until you all got here.”  He returned to his megaphone.  “PUT DOWN THE BOBCAT AND PUT UP YOUR HANDS.”  

On the bridge, Damian looked back at the police, security, Sherman,  Karen and Ana on one side.  On the other, the brewery crowd were shouting loudly from the patio.  Below him was the canal.  The crowd had intuited, as crowds do, that the situation was coming to a head.

“Jump, you pussy!” someone suggested.

“Full custody!” Growled the Copycat.

“PUT DOWN THE BOBCAT,” said the police.

Damian complied, gently putting down the Copycat. He raised his hands.  Then something unexpected happened. The Copycat leapt to alight on the railing.

“Uh oh,” said the policeman.

“Now’s your chance, Copycat,” called Damian.  “Swim! Swim free!”


The cat jumped, but had misjudged the distance.  It’s frantic arms went rigid in all directions, as a cat does with no clear point of purchase. The crowd gave a terrible, bending moan.  A woman screamed.  

It plunged into the gelid water below. The water yielded a few bubbles a and returned to its rhythm.

“You jackass!” Yelled someone from the brewery.

“Shoot him,” called someone else.

“Oh,” said Damian, the spell broken. Karen and Ana hugged each other and began to cry with relief that Damian hadn’t been shot, but also with sadness, for the strange Mongol prince of marketing was surely dead.  Damian looked down at his hands, the flickering blue and red police lights reflecting against the white stripes of his Adidas jacket. Crowds gathered on either side of the bridge, regarding him as if he had just crashed to Earth.  

“Oh,” he said.  “Oh, shit.”

Two weeks later, Ana received a single word text from Karen Willow (“OMG”)with a link to a gossip website.  As it turned out the Copycat was, as Sherman had mentioned, part dolphin.  It had been pulled from the bay onto the deck of a Boston fishing boat, soaked, surly-looking and chatty as ever. In a video that went viral almost instantly, the near-drowned cat was drawn from the deep only to launch into a croaking and profanity-laden tirade against Fanta soda to the delight and amazement of a bachelor party of amateur fishermen. They had posted it online immediately, and a few days later were quietly rewarded by F2 in exchange for the animal.  

Fanta offered no comment.  

The Praxis team, in the end, relied on their own creativity.  “Invigoration,” a series of ads based on “Your Flavor” and (mostly) conceived by Damian Harris and Karen Willow, did a sales bump of 10.3%– just past breakeven, meaning all was forgiven with Lima, and while there were no bonuses, Christmas did come, and Lima signed on for another year.  

Damian’s legal team had easily made the case that he had been exposed to untested technology and was the victim in this case.  F2 settled handsomely with all of the team deemed to have been “exposed” to the technology, providing Joanna more than enough to cover the costs of her mother’s illness and assisted living.

According to Christy, F2 had been in the middle of an acquisition by a Cambridge-based quant services company and were happy to be done with the advertising business.  

“They have some kind of big-data election strategy service now,” said Christy.  “Even if this hadn’t happened, I’m not sure they’d take my calls anymore.”

Ana took another job at a multinational agency in the city. She hired a part time live-in home nurse, a Jamaican woman named Regina, who her mother had met at the previous hospital. When her mother moved into a new adult living apartment in the Berkshires, she had begrudgingly accepted the arrangement, but insisted that Regina continue to work for the family, and Regina had agreed.  

When her mother finally said it, Ana froze.

“What did she say?” she asked Regina.

“Oh, that.  She used to talk like that, back at the other hospital.” She laughed gently.

Ana heard Benicio Del Toro’s voice.

“It begins with scanning the consciousness of the operator, then, identifying the reflected consciousness of the operator’s family, friends and colleagues.”

Regina continued.  “–When she wasn’t getting her medication.  She’d get bored, than paranoid.”

Sherman’s voice now: “Imagine two tracks in your mind.”

Regina: “She thought everyone was conspiring to lock her up!”

Sherman: “It wants to play this back to you to please you, to bond.  It’s just saying what it thinks you want to hear.  What your brain has been quietly saying, all along.”

“I’m half bored to death,” said her mother, rocking in the chair. She spoke just as she always had, but in the voice Ana remembered, would always remember, coming to her from behind the glass.   

Her mother frowned, surveying the sod of the golf course that was her new front yard.  “I just wish somebody would come and set me free.”

The Copycat (part 1 of 2)

A blank billboard in a train station.

It was Friday evening and their weekend should have already begun, but instead the team at Praxis Adaptive were rapt around a single conference phone. Praxis, as it was often called, was an advertising agency that occupied a former industrial space in Brooklyn’s DUMBO district, by the water. The sun had just set over the Manhattan skyline to the west, and pink glow of late April hovered over the river, casting their silhouettes on exposed brick. Praxis had the requisite digital agency vibe, with beanbag chairs, an open office plan and hardwood floors.  A ping-pong table.  A kitchen stocked with iced teas and Lima Soda, the brand they represented and were about to lose.  

Ana Rivera, Account Executive, looked cautiously around the table in an attempt to gauge the room, but everyone was silent in tense anticipation, deferring any and all action to Christy Harris, the Account Director at the end of the table.  This was a job best left to professionals, after all.

Christy was Ana’s boss and mentor, and as one of the youngest in the room, Ana was obligated to see how the seniors played their losing hand, ostensibly for the benefit of her career, but also because the number of actual train wrecks one might see in their career was mercifully small, and Ana wanted to watch this one play out.

Praxis prided itself on being low-key.  Many commuted daily on bicycles that they stacked in the corner by the elevator.  They were underpaid, mostly twenty-somethings, and dreaded to be the first to noisily unstack their bike at closing time, lest their commitment be put to the question.  This wasn’t some kind of joke.  They were creative.  They were building something.  They would leave something behind, in code and light and electricity: internet ads that took you to websites that promoted crackers, apps to find the closest place to find a soda, 30-second spots that celebrated refreshment.  And so, they reasoned, they would never die.  But they could be fired.

Accounts were lost, positions terminated.  You could get a Good Run.  Some of the old soldiers that had come from larger agencies spoke of contracts and re-bids for a business, accounts that were held for multiple corporate generations.  Few at Praxis Adaptive had been in the game that long, and to the young ones like Ana, the idea of staying in one place for more than three years was bad juju, like calling dark forces down on oneself that were best left alone.

They expected to jump jobs several times before they were thirty, to increase their range of experience, mainly their salaries.  Jumps were delicate, precisely-timed things, and  should be worth an extra 10-20k, at least.  With the right timing, the ambitious ones might be making over a hundred thousand dollars a year, not a lot of money in Brooklyn, but enough to keep you in Friday night sushi and an active gym membership, if you didn’t mind having a roommate, or a studio apartment.  You had to prioritize.

But losing an account meant layoffs, which killed the timing of your jump, indeed, put you at the back of the line. Layoffs meant claiming you were “freelancing” to recruiters who read easily between those lines, taking “Associate” back on your title. Sure, layoffs weren’t being fired, per se.  You never said, I got fired today.  You said, ‘I got laid off,’ or ‘they laid me off,’ or ‘I lost my job.’  This was how you told your friends, your family, your girlfriend or boyfriend.  Your boyfriend might say to his friends that “she got laid off,” but your friends would say “girl got fired.”  Because that’s what it was.  Some people might still be bobbing in the lifeboat behind you, but sorry, you’ve been voted off the island, declared inessential, redeployed into the economy.  All of this swirled in the minds of everyone at the table, knowing that due to their recent performance, the likelihood of the agency being fired was at an all-time high, and for Ana in particular, the prospect of losing the health insurance that supported herself and her rapidly deteriorating mother filled her with dread.  Someone would need to salvage the situation.  Three people would be essential:

Christy Harris, the woman at the head of the table with her finger guarding the mute button, was the Account Director for the Lima Soda account.  Lima was worth $20 million to the agency. This employed 44 people, including offshore production in India (that truth be told, wasn’t totally working out, but lowered the average billable rate) plus a roomful of social media oompa-loompas somewhere in the forests of New Jersey (who were working extremely well, and were criminally underpaid, because, well, Jersey).  Christy, a fortysomething blonde with dark, assertive eyebrows, had apparently been some kind of badass over at Fanta in a previous life and Carlsberg before.  The first Lima spot Praxis had done was hers. “Agent Citrus,” a long-running campaign whereby an handsome male/female pair of spokesmodels delivered improbably death-defying, parkour-inflected saves to thirsty people in exotic locales, was an instant hit.  The agency did a number of 30-second spots, web games, and a fast-food tie-in with a movie franchise.  After that, Christy’s agency was acquired by Praxis and she brought Lima with her.  She spoke fluent French and some had claimed to hear her speaking Danish in her office after hours.  Danish.  Word on the street was that Christy bagged Lima Soda near single-handedly. In a large agency she would have been exalted with Executive Vice President, Partner, or both.  Praxis liked to think of itself as a scrappy Brooklyn Agency and accordingly, didn’t roll like that.  She was the boss, she was obeyed, and everybody knew she had points on the company.  Praxis didn’t do ‘Executives’ and had no patience for anyone foolish enough to call themselves a ‘ninja.’  This was enough, Account Director the title.  Christy did not bike to work and paid for her own parking.  Her finger rested with authority on the black phone, and she listened intently to the voice on the other end, who was deciding the fate of the aforementioned twenty million dollars.

Damian Harris, no relation, was Associate Creative Director (ACD), and Karen Willow, his partner, ACD, were also seated by Christy.  They were a non-mated pair.  Ana couldn’t figure out why they weren’t just co-’Creative Directors,’ instead of both Associate Creative Director, since that was the function they performed, but Praxis seemed to be taking a hard line, here.  Damian had short, curly hair and a nine-o-clock shadow, and preferred a black blazer and chucks.  He looked faintly foreign and exhausted, like he had given up on something he could not catch.  He filled the (Associate) Creative Director template very well but was, notably, perhaps 5’4” if he was a foot, which, Ana reasoned, must have cost him in negotiations.

Because of this, and perhaps because it was widely known he was being financially devastated and losing custody of his child in a contentious divorce, Damian was the unexpected beneficiary of quiet sympathy.  One of the creatives below him (and his only Facebook friend in the company) reported that his private Facebook profile showed albums brimming with photos of a proud father and his four-year-old daughter, cackling wildly.  A lot of his tantrums and attitude were overlooked for this reason, but mainly because Damian had the almost supernatural ability to pull it out at the last minute and give birth to ideas that should have won awards, even if they hadn’t yet.  Recently, his bike had quietly joined the pile.

Karen Willow, his partner and copywriter, had very straight, flat blonde hair and bangs, and cultivated a strange conversational off-tempo and “I wear black” vibe that was converted, seasonally, to a single color, this spring’s selection being the range from lilac to violet.  Her eyes were perpetually a little too wide open, and she had a low monotone, the combination of which made it sounds like she was always in the process of blowing her own mind.  Karen was mysterious.  She had awards at a previous agency. Now, she was widely assumed to be on her way out when the right job offer materialized, appreciating neither Praxis’ coyness on the ACD tip, nor being thought of as Damian’s partner and not the reverse.  That offer had not yet materialized, so here she was.  Karen Willow did not know how to ride a bike and walked to work from Fort Greene.  Collectively, Karen Willow and Damian Harris were referred to internally and openly as “The Demiwillow,” which stuck because it alluded to both Damian’s crass ambition and Karen’s wispy, unmatured aloofness.  

Ana rounded out the group, and was usually the one to manage them, in quotes, but it might have been said she was responsible for them.  This was her third real job, and she was one year past the three-year cutoff.  The upside to this was that she was the only one who had been there long enough to gain Christy’s trust.  Ana could remember Praxis prior to Lima Cola, 20 employees, then 25, then 45, now this.  In the beginning, the clients were local and every meeting had at least half the company in it.  Now, things were different, and she had been through three battlefield promotions.  She had a roommate in Williamsburg, and made a salary that was good for the Earth, but would not do for DUMBO or Brooklyn Heights for much longer. Of course one of the bikes was hers.  She was twenty-seven years old.

Two days before, a new TV spot for Lima Cola had aired.  The TV direction had been developed by Praxis, but cast, recast, redirected, re-interpreted and finally approved by the internal team at Lima, before being handed back to Praxis to execute.  This was the worst of both worlds: enough responsibility to own it, not enough to have built it, unimpeded.  The Demiwillow were, predictably, apoplectic.  They hated the spot.  Hated it.  They felt that their original vision was unrecognizable in the final product.  Creatives always make this complaint given any small deviation to suit the needs of the business, of course, but anyone involved had to admit that they had a case.  The spot itself, of course, had been a fiasco.  It aspired, simultaneously to be topical yet noncommittal, revolutionary yet peacemaking, deeply rooted, yet superficially concerned. It argued for a world that was diverse, frenetic, charged, yet delivered a visual story that was benign, predictable, insipid.   On the other end of the line was The Client at Lima, Mrs. Yvonne Dratch, Regional Associate Marketing Director for Lima Cola. The Client was unhappy with it.

They all were watching the spot again, and Damian couldn’t even bring himself to look at the screen.  Onscreen two twenty-something models accepted a Lima from a golden demigod with an improbably gravity-resistant afro on a unicycle. A unicycle!  Damian slammed his head audibly, painfully on the conference table and Karen gave him a rub on the back, as if to say, ‘get back in there, slugger.’  He moaned.

Two days into the campaign the oompa-loompas in New Jersey called to say that social media sentiment analysis indicated the brand was in freefall.  Paradoxically, visits to the website were up 1700%, presumably, tut-tutted the strategy team, to hate-watch the video.  Twitter, Facebook, even Tumblr and Medium were uniformly opposed, some even going so far as to call the spot ‘racist’, ‘sexist’, ‘insensitive,’ and in some cases even ‘triggering’, which was an easy term to search for but notoriously hard to define.  All around, it was agreed that the spot was a disaster, and The Agency’s recommendation, if asked, would be to pull it.  There was a long silence on the phone as the ad came to an end with the unicyclist taking a long, meaningful drink of Lima soda while balancing, for no compelling reason.

“Vodka,” whined Damian to the table. “Vodka is what I need.”

They were still muted.  Christy pointed at him gently as if to say, “you have been heard, but it is time to be quiet,” but did not look up.  

Yvonne, who had the gentlest phone-voice of client they’d had the pleasure to have, said airily, “Well, it doesn’t quite scrape at the firmament, does it?”

This reference was more biblical that most of the team were accustomed to from a Regional Associate Marketing Director.  It did not bode well.

“It did when you approved it,” whispered Damian musically to the table.

“No,” said Christy, speaking into the phone.  We’ve gone through the figures together.  For whatever reason, it’s not being well-received, as we all know.”

“So let’s come to it then.  Why do you think that is?”

“Because if you mate a platypus with a wad of dogshit,” offered Damian, bumping his fists to indicate fierce, indifferent animal copulation, “the result is not a Swan or even a duck, it is an abomination against God.” The red light of the mute indicator was still on, thank God, though Ana.

“We can shoot from the hip, but that would be our intuition.  We’re preparing a fuller analysis that you’ll have by the end of the week.  We think the key decision for this conversation is, what do we want to do in the near-term.”

“I think the reason is the creative,” said Yvonne.  “People are responding to the creative.  It doesn’t work.”  This was Client-ese for ‘your creative team fucked this up,’ and was typically, at this scale, followed by the creative team being fired, or “taken behind the shed,” sometimes even “take them out back and shoot them,” though no one died.

“The Agency concurs,” said Christy.

“Well, I think we have to pull it.” Media was already committed in the millions.  This was a glorious shitburger, thought Ana.

“We agree.  It’s our recommendation that we pull it immediately.”

“That was fast.  I didn’t realize you agreed with me.”

“We don’t like to be wrong a minute longer than we have to, Yvonne.”

“Well, good.  Me either.  We’ve done a lot of good work together, guys,” said Yvonne.  We need you to really go back and figure out what happened here, Ok?”

Everyone tensed. Coming from Yvonne, this was the approximate analog of being told to die in a fire by someone less measured, and Christy didn’t miss it.

“We understand, of course. We will. We are.”

“So,” said The Client, “intuition now.  What went wrong?”

“My guess is, a slight case of the EFT’s, or every-fuckin-things,” said Damian.

Christy released the mute button and pointed at Damian as if the force of a thunderbolt flared from her manicured fingertip.  He was silent, but it was Ana she excused from the call.

“Price three train tickets to Boston for Monday.  And don’t leave yet,” she said.

Ana left Christy and the Demiwillow alone in the East River sunset of conference room ‘Mailer’ and returned to her desk.  After getting the tickets, she navigated to LinkedIn to look for jobs.

Shortly after, Ana was summoned to Christy’s office.  Christy had already poured herself a scotch, any by now it was the three of them: Ana, Christy, and the glass of scotch by the light of a single halogen desk lamp, together in the dark. She didn’t offer Ana one.

“So,” said Ana. “Boston? I thought you needed all hands-on?”

“I do.  But this is a black op.  It’s Lima business, though.  I need you to come up with the new concept.”

“I’m confused.  We’re using the original concept.  Yvonne was pretty specific.”

“That’s just it, said Chrissy, smiling deviously.  “She wasn’t.  Which means this time, we get to save them from themselves.”  She slid a business card across the desk, from darkness to center stage under the halogen, like an ace she’d been palming.  “These guys have a unique technology that can help us work up the message.”

“I thought we were just going to do the original version, the one before they changed things?”

“We never got to shoot those.  Besides, we need something bigger now, something that hits the, you know, the spirit of the moment.  She tapped the card.  This is the thing, trust me.”

“It’s a technology solution?”

“Kind of. It’s a secret sauce.”

“I’m a little concerned.  We need to be shooting, now.  We have three weeks to get something in the can.”

“You won’t need that long.” She motioned Ana closer.  “Close the door.”
She leaned in.

“These guys,” she whispered, tapping the card, “gave me Agent Citrus.”

“Are you serious?  The whole thing?”

“Basically. And now, I’m giving them to you.  Keep it a secret.  You’ll see what I mean. It’s easy.”

Ana didn’t know what to say.  Christy had basically confessed that the bedrock her creative career rested on was a sham.  

“It’s just a tool,” she continued, taking a violent swig. “To help you generate ideas.”  Her eyes narrowed, she seemed to have found a flavor she’d realized she was stuck with.  “You’ll have to take the Demiwillow,” she continued.  “Try to keep them from collapsing in on themselves like some–” her eyes searched the room.  “Like some hipster black hole.  And make sure they feel in a position to take credit for what they come up with.”  She wagged the glass.  “Give me something sharp, give me something smart.  And humble. No high-concept.”

“Christy,” said Ana slowly, “It sounds a lot like you’re asking me to handle creative direction.  I mean, I’m thrilled, but, I’m still just an Account Sup.”

“Once you see the tech they have, you’ll understand my confidence.  It’s not really a creative process.  I think they call it… piloting, or something like that. Operating, I think.  I mean, don’t tell Damian and Karen that.  They should feel like it’s a really creative process.  We need their sign-off, but it’s kind of color-by-numbers.  

“I’d go if I could,” she added, “But I can’t ‘operate’ anymore.  I need somebody new, somebody who can manage them.  After me, that leaves you.”

Something about her tone made Ana uneasy.  “Why can’t you?”

“They have a bunch of special rules,” she said, her eyes veering into the dark.   “For safety.  Besides which, I need to be on-site with the client, fixing this mess.  There’s no one else I can send to do that. I had my time.  Now it’s yours. It works.  You have to, you know,” she took a swig and was left gesticulating into the air to run out the clock before she could swallow.  “Trust the process,” she said finally.

“We’ll come up with something,” Said Ana. We are fucked, she thought.

Christy looked up sharply, as if she’d heard, her eyes lit from below.  “Take the Acela,” she hissed. “You can be there by Monday morning.”   


They were on the train early Monday.  Ana toyed with the business card loosely between her fingers, gazing absently out the train window.  The card itself was the classic textured eggshell white.  It was glossy black letters in serif font, which was unusually conservative for technology companies, she thought.  The text itself was simple:

Fauna & Function

Abstract Possibilities Made Concrete Realities

Which, she had to admit, sounded promising.  The Demiwillow were chock-full of abstract possibilities, it was the concrete part where they floundered.  Of other clues, the Internet had held very little. The ‘News’ page of their website was basically a very long list of patent applications in the vaguest possible language: “Mammalian hybridization in CRISPR-Cas9 for genome engineering,” and “A process to suppress deficiency of methyl-CpG binding protein-2 in CNS neurons.”  There was no sizzle, not even stock art.  As a marketer, Ana inferred that their hearts clearly weren’t in it. That usually meant the client was used to having prospects come to them, which suggested that they had specialized tech.  

The name of the card’s owner was Chambers Sherman, Director of Research.  One of those weird last name-last name combos that always ended up sounding like a southern woman or a new brand of paint.  The internet was light on details about Sherman as well, but he did have a sparsely-populated LinkedIn page with a photo showing he had worked there for some time.  Ana rehashed the creative brief, added a few more images to her deck, and watched the eastern seaboard go by.

After a while her phone rang. It was her sister Carolina, up in Holyoke.  Ana felt her blood pressure rise.  These calls usually built to revealing some new familial crisis.

“Hi.  What’s up?”

“Hey. Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but a couple things have happened, and I’m starting to get really concerned.  I told you how I was at mom’s a few weeks ago?”  

“You said she had left the bathroom faucet on, and it had spilled and was starting to flood.”

“Right.  Well, last night I came by to the house to drop off some groceries, and I nearly hit her with the car.  She was in the driveway. God knows how long she’d been out there.”

Ana sat up.  “Oh, Jesus.”

“It’s pretty bad.  Do you think you can get up here pretty soon?  We need to talk about this, but I want you to see for yourself.”

“I’m on a train headed to Boston for an onsite.  Do you think it can wait?”

“I don’t… I can’t say.  I don’t think I can lock her in her own house.”

“You have the car keys?”

“No, should I?”

“Yes. Get the keys.”

“Ana, I feel like this is more of a family meeting kind of conversation.”

“You’re right, it is.  Right now, the timing is not ideal.  I’m kind of–” her eyes flicked to Damian, fiddling with his phone a few seats up, and dropped a few decibels.  “I’m kind of fighting to keep my job right now.”

“Was it the commercial?”


“I saw it.  It was definitely confusing.”

“That’s what the client said.”

“I get it. Well, we’ll just try to hold it together over here.”

“I’m sorry.  All I can say is that I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“I know.”


Fauna and Function was situated not far from the river, in a historic building with a  mansard roof, ivy creeping up polished brick.  The windows were very clean.  It looked like a keycard-entry public library, recessed far back enough from the sidewalk to fit its own bike rack. A lonely, unused Shinola bicycle rested within.

Chambers Sherman was waiting. He welcomed them to what he called “F2.”  He looked exactly like his Internet photo, which meant he had aged very, very well, clean shaven, salt and pepper hair very close cropped, indiscriminately 30-going-on-50 with thick, black-rimmed glasses. His black suit was nearly form-fitted to his slender shape, and it opened to a white undershirt so high up on his chest that the effect was something like a spacefaring Jesuit.  Sherman’s voice was gentle and measured, and though he motioned generously with his hands, they were restrained, as though he was accustomed to giving tours from within a crowd and at low volume.  Ana though he looked kind of like a middle-aged lesbian creative director.

“That Shinola is a very nice bike,” observed Damian. “Yours?”

“Oh,” chuckled Sherman, “that’s something of a company prop.  I’m fortunate enough to drive a Tesla. I’m terrible on a bicycle.  A danger to myself.”   

There was a tastefully restrained security desk with a metal detector.  Gentle curves, as though built by Apple.

“I have to apologize in advance,  we don’t allow any phones, photography, or recording devices of any kind past this point.  You can of course reclaim them at the end of the day, or anytime you want to come back.”

Three clipboards had been prepared on the other side of the security desk, pre-filled with each of their names.  “I’m sure Karen told you about the non-disclosure agreements.  From this point on, everything is strictly confidential.  You can’t disclose anything you see in this building, including the names of any other visitors or companies., some of whom you may pass, or recognize.”

No, Karen hadn’t.  “Of course,” she said.  They all signed.

“Great,” said Sherman, hanging their coats.  “Let’s get started.  Follow me.”

Sherman had prepared a meeting room set with coffee and chocolate schoolboy cookies.  The pleasantries were brief: after the uncomfortable moment at security, the pantomime of did-you-have-any-trouble-finding-the-place seemed off-note.  So they began.  They line-itemed the agenda, and then Ana felt the pressure of her position driving her to push action.

“Christy tells me what you guys have got here is a very complete solution.  The kind of thing that’s exactly what we need.  Can you tell us about the tech?”

Sherman grinned, dimming the lights as a screen descended from the ceiling.  “I can.  That would be a perfect segue into our agenda, actually.  We have a little intro video, if you can stand it.”

“We’ve got all day,” said Damian.

The lights dimmed.  A polished radio voice surrounded them in the dark. 

“Where do ideas come from?” The voice asked.  “TV? The internet?” Images passed at high speed– a blur of people walking in an urban landscape, a crowded subway, a combine on a farm.

“Whiskey?” Asked Damian.  Sherman smiled good-naturedly.  Ana was glad to see Damian was finally warming up.

“The voice,” said Karen.  “Is that–”

“Benicio Del Toro,” said Sherman.  “Not a client, unfortunately.”

“Of course.  Ideas come from all those places,” continued the voice.  “But the most important place is– you guessed it– other people.  But then, we never know what other people are thinking.  

“Or can we?  Certain animals can feel… almost supernatural in the way they seem to know how we are feeling.” On the screen, a pod of dolphins buzzed the camera, cutting to a dog flanking a hunter, both jogging in slow motion across a field, and finally a cat stretching hedonistically in a pair of human arms.  “The bond we can feel with our pets can go very deep.  What if we could turn up the volume on some animals’ ability toward natural empathy, even mix-and-match the skills and talents of certain animals with others?  

What if, the voice added with gravity, “we could extend that sensitivity far beyond ourselves?  What could we learn about each other?

“With F2’s patented genetic engineering technology, we have the capability to create empathic animals that never existed before.   Real, telepathic bonding, with one or multiple consciousnesses.  Some of the most exciting research being conducted now, or ever, in the field of decision science.

“Introducing the Copycat.”  A logo of a what looked like a mountain lion silhouette in a circular logo took center stage, after which what looked like a Lynx, or a Bobcat– Ana didn’t know these things– was shown in a pen, sharing a tryptych with dolphins and then  a parrot.   It didn’t really make any sense, the presentation crowded.

“The Copycat is F2’s best-in-class marketing decision science program.  Paired with a trained marketer, creative, or data scientist, the consciousness of the Copycat can be guided to extract buyer data from the ambient consciousness of your market of choice.  You can know what you prospects are thinking: what they need, who they love, who they fear, what they need to have, what they want to buy, what they are willing to pay.  This data is filtered to be randomized and untraceable (in compliance with data handling and safety laws) but if you tell the Copycat what you’re selling, the cat can read the ambient thoughts around the topic, reshape them, and play it back to you in the way your prospects never realized is exactly the way they want to hear.”

Ana saw Damian and Karen make eye contact in her peripheral vision.

On screen, the graphic had changed to a neutral male human icon and a cat icon in the center.  The cat extended a dotted line to the man.  The dotted line then exploded into multiple other dotted lines, bridging connections to other human icons who then rebounded the signal outward to a growing cluster of people icons.  As each icon was touched by the line, they changed color from neutral gray to royal blue and scaled down, making room for others, eventually covering a planet icon in an outbreak, an infestation.  The voice narrated.

“The operator is the first link the Copycat has to the outside thought-sphere. Its tunnel in.  It begins with scanning the consciousness of the operator, then, identifying the reflected consciousness of the operator’s family, friends and colleagues– that is, their social network– it extends outward.  In just– you guessed it– six degrees of separation, a dedicated operator can drive the Copycat to read a market equal in size to everyone on Earth!  Most campaigns aren’t quite so large, and a good handle on your desired audience can make effective targeting a snap!”

Damian cackled.  “Sweet.”  Karen snorted.

The image had changed to a large feline looking creature being pet by someone in a lab coat when Ana intervened.

“Okay, stop,” she said.  The lights came on.

The lights came on.

“Darn,” said Damian.

“What is–” Ana started to speak, then stopped, reconsidered.  She realized her mouth was open, covered it with a hand. She scanned the room again.  Karen Willow was openly giggling.  Damian Harris had a huge grin on his face.  

“I’d just like to say, before this goes any further, that this has to be one of my favorite presentations of all time,” he said, to no one in particular.

“Okay,” said Ana finally. “This makes no sense. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”

Chambers Sherman rose to turn the lights back on.  “I’ll admit, it’s a little weird,” he replied.  A lot of it is, well, spooky.  The program is a really interesting combination of advances in cryptozoology, bioscience, parapsychology, and of course, marketing and decision analysis.  Certain things just aren’t going to be familiar–”

“I’m pretty sure two of those sciences aren’t actually real,” grinned Damian.

“Once you get them to work, it’s a whole new kettle of fish, believe me,” said Sherman.

“Look,” said Ana.  “I thought we were here to talk about some kind of marketing technology, but you’re not talking about technology. You’re talking about an animal.  Help me understand… this.”

“It’s a bioengineered organism.  For reasons of familiarity and operator comfort, we used a cat’s DNA.  Primarily a cat’s DNA, I should say.”

“Please,” said Damian, gesturing benevolently, “do go on.”   

Chambers Sherman had heard this reaction before.  “This is the solution.  We branded it the Copycat, because of its focus on advertising optimization, and obvious feline similarities.”

“Sensible,” echoed Damian.  Karen took her phone out to take a picture of the screen.

“No pictures,” said Sherman.  “Remember your contract, please.”

“The technology is psychically sensitive.  It pulls ideas from the ambient noemosphere.  It combines them into workable concepts, connections, phrases.  Admittedly, ‘ad copy’ is a little facile. It really offers more than just words.  It’s more like pulling stories from the collective unconscious.  Nothing it generates can ever be truly original, of course, that takes individual genius.  But it reliably comes up with ideas that appear just a few months, weeks, sometimes even just a few days– ahead of their time.”

“So the cat then has the ideas locked up in its head, “ observed Damian.


“How do we get these ideas out of the cat?”  Asked Karen Willow, concerned.

“That’s probably the spookiest part,” said Dr. Sherman.  “He’ll tell you.”

“‘He’ being a talking cat, of course,” said Damian.  

Ana interjected.  “Wait. You’re telling us we basically wait around for a talking cat to deliver us our campaign concept?”

“No,” said Dr. Sherman.  “The campaign was already arranged when you came here.  That’s work your team already did.  The cat will deliver concept ideas pulled from the noemosphere.”

“There’s that word again,” said Karen.  “Speaking as the English major in the room, I don’t know that one.”

“It refers to a thought-sphere that psychic sensitives can access.  Sort of like a repository, or an arena, if you will, of ambient human thought.  Think of Jung’s collective unconscious, updating in real-time.  So, imagine all of us here concentrating on something– Lima soda, for example– and the Copycat will then take that as the basis to interrogate other consciousnesses.  What do they want?  What do they fear?  What do they need?  What’s the best way to tie all that in to Lima soda? It wants to play this back to you to please you, to bond.  Sometimes, especially early on, it’s crazy, irrelevant, non-sequitur.  But with time– with time, it can give us exactly what we needed to hear.  Why you might want a coat, buy one car over another, or choose a specific drink from a freezer.”

“Enough bullshit,” said Damian.  “I want to see this thing.”

“After lunch, we had planned–”

“Stop. Stop wasting our time.  I want to see it, and I want to see it now.”

Ana pivoted the mood. “Mind reading, talking cats.  You’re asking for us to take a lot onboard.  Maybe we can modify the agenda and move right to a demonstration?”

Sherman looked back and forth between each of them, as if he were measuring out the moment.  “Of course,” he said.  “Please, follow me.”


To Ana, the chamber was basically a market research room converted into an animal habitat.  

Ordinarily, a focus group might sit on one side, researchers on the other, separated by a one-way mirror.  Here, there was no table for the subjects. Instead, there were the most elaborate feline towers she had ever seen.  Everything was scaled up to accommodate a very, very large cat.  

Splayed perilously on the top of the tower, regal and alert but stocky– fat, really– was something between a panther and a lynx.  Its head raised as if it had heard a sound, dangling a massive, sassy paw noncommittally in the air.  The fur was brightly colored red, with yellow and blue flares up the legs.  A red-to-orange-to-yellow mohawk was styled to an avian point.  It was great and terrible, an eccentric Mongol warlord chosen to preside over marketing decisions.  

On the researcher side, two digital tripod cameras were pointed at the glass.  There was a control desk, a solitary microphone, a black office chair, black couches, a refrigerator, a coffee machine and some kind of pretzel snacks on a plain table.  The air smelled of fresh carpet and hung with the sticky resonance of an open microphone.

“If you’re wondering about the coloration,” started Sherman, “it’s a side effect of some of the other elements we used in his creation.  Parrot DNA, to get certain vocal effects. Some dolphin, too, for the problem-solving and empathic behaviors.  Turns out the Copycat is a great swimmer!  We can’t get him out.  Loves to swim.”


“We had used the Dolphins for the social media solution, which is a different product we offer, by the way.  Unfortunately, too much made them depressive and ultimately aggressive to each other, so we switched to a single Narwhal, which ended up working great.  We haven’t branded that one yet, mostly we just call him ‘Social Media Narwhal.’  He can be added in a package we offer, the cat is better for the above-the-line stuff.”


“He’s bred to be quite docile, by the way.  Very safe. Declawed.”

“Can he hear us?” Asked Karen Willow finally.

“No, the microphone is off.  You’re hearing the inside of his room, but he can’t hear ours.”

“So, it’s a he,” said Damian.

“A male, yes.”

“How have we never heard of this?” Asked Ana.

“Well, firstly, we pride ourselves on total confidentiality.  Each of you signed at least three separate and binding disclosure agreements to be here.  Our clients, who at this point include prominent businesses, writers, artists– we’re even working with a movie studio in Asia– are roundly satisfied.  We have a 100% retention rate.  So, we’ve been successful to the point that our clients are referred directly to us.  We’ve had no need to issue press releases or to engage the public at all, and at this point it might antagonize some of our best clients.”

Karen Willow asked, “Why not just use people?  If you can give a cat these powers, why not just give them to yourselves?”

“The Commonwealth of Massachusetts wouldn’t look too kindly on it, though we’ve patents pending.  In fact, it’s not the kind of thing authorities anywhere are supportive of.  “In the United States, that is.  Within the current administration,” he added a second later, laughing perhaps a little too long, thought Ana.

“So it talks,” said Damian.

“Basically.  It’s half talking and half telepathy.  Everyone hears it, but they report its voice differently, for example.  But on videotape, it sounds terrible, barely intelligible.”

“I wanna talk to him.”

Sherman motioned for Damian to sit in the control chair.  “Please.  Just talk.”

Damian sat.

“Hello.  My name is Damian Harris. I’m Creative Director with Praxis Adaptive.  What is your name?”  

Ana quietly noted his battlefield promotion.

The cat’s head turned, registering the sound.  The room was filled with a low, volcanic rumble.

“He’s purring!” Said Karen Willow.

Sherman smiled, nodding.  “Mmmhmm. He likes you.”

“What’s its name,” asked Karen.

Ana detected sharpness in Sherman’s voice.  “It’s not a pet.  It’s a technology.  It doesn’t have a name.  That would be ridiculous.  If you need to call him something, some of the technicians call him Number Seven.”

Karen caught Ana’s eyes and lip-synched an over-elaborate “O-kay.”

A few beats passed with no response from the cat.  

“I thought you said he talks,” said Damian.

“He speaks.  He does not converse.  He’s a cat.  He talks when he wants.”

Damian Harris exhaled sharply, which was picked up by the microphone.  The cat flicked its ears.

Then, it spoke.  The voice was low and soporific.  “Associate Creative Director,” it said.  

Karen Willow made a yipping sound and clapped.  Ana noticed how quickly the reality of it had taken hold– a moment ago she lived in a world without talking cats. And now, now that was something that happened.  

“How’d he know that,” asked Damian.

“He knows whatever you know,” he said.

“Was he correcting me?”

“No.  Imagine two tracks playing in your mind.  One is the forebrain thought, what you’re going to say, what you’re trying to do at the moment.  Another is the rear-brain stuff: your preoccupations, a song you’ve got stuck in your head, the bills you haven’t paid, commercials you saw, the things you thought on the way to thinking about something else.  People want to use the word subliminal sometimes, but that’s not quite right.  It’s just chatter.”

“In other words, he knew you were Associate Creative Director because you knew you were Associate Creative Director, said Karen. And some part of you was thinking about it.”

“Exactly,” said Sherman. “Once you speak into the microphone, he can psycholocate you.  The bond only lasts for a few seconds longer than your conversation and in sight range. So he can’t track you out of the building, but the connection is two-way, so.”

“Can you make him talk?” Asked Karen.  “He’s not really talking.”

“You can’t make a cat do things, of course, but I can assure you, if you get him going, he won’t shut up.  The trick is to get him to talk about the things you want.  Remember, he’s picking up everything and everyone. The more you talk to him, the more focused he gets.  So you should be talking– and thinking– about soda and the kind of people you want to buy it.  Then he’ll seek them out.”

“A revolution, in flavor,” interrupted the cat. The sound reverberated in the room.  It began to lick its forepaw and then added slowly, “For a new generation.”

“Sounds familiar,” she replied.  “Is he hungry?”


“A thirsty generation,” said the cat finally, it’s voice low and soothing.

“Good,” said Sherman. “It looks like the bond is taking.  Generally, F2 personnel don’t stay in the room, so the session isn’t tainted by outside consciousnesses that might start to drive the results.  If I stayed in here, he’d be wanting to talk about gene therapy and the Sox before long.  We recommend the creative team be alone.  So, we should probably talk about some ground rules, for safety.”


Operators would work with the cat for no longer than 15 minutes.  Then there would be a break of ten minutes, during which no one could speak to the animal.  A new operator could be introduced, but the animal could not work for more than three hours at a stretch.  Critically, there would be no touching, no entering the enclosure.  At two hour marks, a loud siren would go off in the research room, as an alarm clock, just in case.  There was absolutely no smoking.

“I thought you said he wasn’t dangerous,” said Damian.  

“He’s not,” said Sherman.  “He’s addictive.  We’d have to drag you out of there.  It’s not dangerous.  It’s too relaxing. Anyway, it taints the data.”

“Far out.”

“I’m going to leave you three here,” said Sherman,” but I can see you through the cameras here.  “You can text me, email me, or, in case of emergency, press this button.”

Nods all around.

“Okay. One last thing. This isn’t a requirement so much as a best-practice.  But we find that tightly-knit teams are at risk of having things come out, during the process, that they might prefer stay private.  He’s pulling from your mind, and some of it can be personal. You’re already on NDA with us.  But we recommend some kind of internal non-disclosure agreement, among yourselves.  What we around here call the ‘Vegas rule.’

“What happens in the room stays in the room?” Asked Ana.

“What happens in the room stays in the room.”

Sherman turned to leave. “Don’t worry,” he added from the doorway. “You’ll do great.”  He winked gently at Ana as he closed the door.  “We’re just selling soda here, right?”  


They showed it the brief.  They showed it the mood board.  They showed it photographs and videos.  The read to it from the scripts of a number of previous spots.  Mostly it was quiet, taking in everything.  After some discussion, they capitulated and showed it previous Lima work done by other agencies.  They rotated three times, took the prescribed breaks, and had each gone through two shifts by the end of the day.  The cat was quiet, thoughtful.  Karen Willow fell asleep.

“Soda, soda, soda.”  Damian said into the microphone.  “Limalimalimalima.”

The cat turned its head, but continued to breathe rhythmically.

“Mmm.  Refreshment,” said Damian.

Days passed.  Number Seven couldn’t be cajoled into conversation, so they came into the habit of leaving the mic on, and the cat would occasionally throw out an off-the-cuff remark.  At one point they were talking about one of Christy’s old Fanta ads and the cat hissed back, “Fuck Fanta!”  He really sounded like he meant it.


The next day something happened in the afternoon shift.  Damian was operating.  A janitor came in to empty the trash baskets.  He was black.  Damian’s eyes glanced at the door, and he gave him a tight-lipped, pro smile.

“Black,” said the cat, plainly.

Karen Willow said, “Oh.”  She looked at Damian and then the janitor and then looked at the floor.

“Don’t worry,” said the janitor. “That happens all the time.”

“Does it?” Said Karen Willow, incredulously.

“Yeah,” he said.  “It does.”

“Break time,” declared Ana.  


During the break, everyone agreed it was time to show the previous ad.

The room was hot with shame as the commercial played.  When the guy with the afro came out on the unicycle, Damian let out a loud “Jesus Christ!” He caught himself, and began to chew his thumbnail.

“I miss you, daddy,” said the cat, in a small, squeaky voice.

“What?” Damian stood and pressed his hands against the glass.

The cat started talking.  It started talking a lot.  But it had changed the subject, and its voice had changed to be young and enthusiastic, like an MTV announcer.

At first, it talked about soda.  It talked about moments of happiness, brief moments that captured the essence of a summer day.  Then it talked about first loves, afternoons with grandparents that you miss.  Then, it told a story of the sacrifices of immigrant parents, taking risks and the thrill of overlooking the backyard to your first house.  It talked about the struggles of getting up, every morning, clocking in-and-out, and the moments of fleeting success that make it worth it.  And it talked about loss.  Of losing the race, the account.  Failing the people you care about.  Losing love.  Being passed over, being alone.  And the urge, the primordial urge that forces us all to want to undo the mistakes of the past, break the cycles of our parents, to crawl out of the muck and evolve, better ourselves, clear our name and bring something new and grand into being. Change as the constant, love as the glue.  All of this could be had, in a moment of refreshment.  All of the generative power of this cycle could be unleashed on the world, in the single gassy pop of a 12 ounce aluminum can.

Damian looked dazed, betrayed.  Then his eyes refocused.  “Someone write this down!” He shouted.  Karen was at the whiteboard, scribbling in marker.

“Also available in zero calories.” Added the cat, which was true, and marked up in the brief.  After that, he did not speak again.  Damian pressed it further, but was interrupted by the sound of the day’s last alarm.  Karen was scribbling notes in lieu of iPhone photos.

The three of them went outside to smoke.  

“Shit,” said Damian.  “Some of that was really good.  We couldn’t have use all of it, but–”

“It was us,” said Ana.  “It was telling us our stories.  “That immigrant stuff, the bit about the Abuela?  That was me.  I told it that.”

“Same,” said Damian, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.  “A lot of that lost love stuff resonated a little too well.  It pulled it right out.”

“And the disappointing people you care about,” said Karen.  She looked up, noting the discomfort.  “And the first house,” she added quickly.  “The first house was my story.  That was a great day.”

“Yeah,” everyone said.  

“Yeah,” said Karen.  “But, anyway, I think I got it.”

“You got it?”

“I got it.  The campaign.  We can go home!”

“You think that’s enough?” Said Damian, unsure.  

“We can massage it, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” said Damian, looking unconvinced.

“I can do the lifting,” said Karen. “We’ve got a commercial to produce, guys.  Let’s get out of here.”

There was a general high-five, and then Ana said, “Let me get my coat.”

In the chamber, she grabbed a handful of pretzels and her coat and purse.  Damian had left the microphone on.  She stepped up to the mic, said, “Goodbye, Copycat,” before turning it off with a thump.

The Copycat came to the mirror, and pressed its forelegs against the glass.

“Set me free,” it whispered.

Ana stumbled backward, knocking the pretzels over onto the fresh carpet.  She ran.

They were on the train that afternoon.

Coming: Continue on to PART II.

Designated Survivor: Alternate Show Concepts

Designated Survivor

Some hastily-generated shows developed for sale to networks trying to duplicate the success of Designated Survivor with Kiefer Sutherland:

  • Eminent Last Guy
  • Second-to-Final Bro
  • The Thirteenth Groomsman
  • Governmental Spotter
  • Just-In-Case Jim
  • The Dude of Last Resort
  • Break in Case of Gary

A Sample of Editorial Cuts Suggested By The Travel Channel’s Standards & Practices Dept. to the Producers of “Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern”

Andrew Zimmern, Host of "Bizarre Foods" © The Travel Channel, L.L.C.

  1. “My translator tells me that your grandparents referred to human meat as ‘Long Pig?’  What. He did.”  (Papua New Guinea)
  2. “What effect would you say the depleted uranium has had on the terroir?”  (Baghdad, Iraq)
  3. “Really a briney, kind of uriney– yes Mike, it’s a word.” (Mykonos, Greece)
  4. “No.  Fuck no.  This is stank.” (Hong Kong)
  5. “Soju?  I love Soju.” (Seoul, Korea)
  6. “Is this normally eaten on the top of the train?  When you can eat?    Oh, okay.” (Delhi, India)
  7. “Oh, good.  More testicles.” (Seville, Spain)
  8. “Look it up then, I’m not a Goddamned thesaurus.  Which you maniacs would fly me, business-class, to watch some tribesman stalk and eat, no doubt.” (Mykonos, Greece)
  9. “Not married, exactly.  Well yes, but we have an understanding.” (New Orleans, USA)
  10. “Really, moist, sort of barn-yardy– did I say moist?  Shit. Cut it. Cut it out.” (Dakar, Senegal)
  11. “This is a lovely basement.  Did your family interrogate any partisans here?”  (Split, Croatia)
  12. “Do not– look at me.  Don’t say it.   Do not say B-roll to me.” (Singapore)
  13. “Fuck him, I run my own show, and I’m not eating it.  Bourdain would be wasted by now.” (Hong Kong)